![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Coffee* and me
Jan. 15th, 2013 01:49 pmI have a complicated relationship with caffeine.
First of all, I have serious emotional issues with dependence in any form. Chemical addiction is huge on that list, but it also trickles down as a recurring problem in my relationships. I may get into that some other time, but prefer to keep those conversations offline.
I've seen withdrawal close-up, and it's not a pretty process; the thought of going through it myself terrifies me. And so, even with as common and "benevolent" a drug as caffeine, I take certain care. One day every week I go without: full abstinence, hard stop. It's usually a groggy day and I try not to schedule anything more stressful than reading and napping. One of the primary reasons I do this is to diagnose the extent of my addiction; I'm okay with being groggy, but experiencing headaches worries me.
Every month I try and kick caffeine for a full 72 hours to flush my system. The timeline is fairly arbitrary, but I figure if it works for heroin addicts it should work for this. The second day I am grumpy. I am more functional and less stupid than on the first day, but not someone worthy of company. I have to be very careful on my weekly day without caffeine, not to accidentally follow it with a second if I'm anywhere around people.
On the third day I'm generally fine, with the added benefit of having drastically reduced my tolerance for the substance. The upside of this is that caffeine becomes a recreational drug at this point, which can be fun and extraordinarily productive.
I don't mean to criticize anyone else's caffeine consumption, this is merely the system that works for me. Ultimately it's not about treating dependency but treating my own anxieties regarding dependency. The steps may be unnecessary or ineffective but I don't really care; they're nothing more than a way to keep myself comfortable in my own skin.
Which is my ongoing and deeper struggle.
* as well as sodapop and tea.
First of all, I have serious emotional issues with dependence in any form. Chemical addiction is huge on that list, but it also trickles down as a recurring problem in my relationships. I may get into that some other time, but prefer to keep those conversations offline.
I've seen withdrawal close-up, and it's not a pretty process; the thought of going through it myself terrifies me. And so, even with as common and "benevolent" a drug as caffeine, I take certain care. One day every week I go without: full abstinence, hard stop. It's usually a groggy day and I try not to schedule anything more stressful than reading and napping. One of the primary reasons I do this is to diagnose the extent of my addiction; I'm okay with being groggy, but experiencing headaches worries me.
Every month I try and kick caffeine for a full 72 hours to flush my system. The timeline is fairly arbitrary, but I figure if it works for heroin addicts it should work for this. The second day I am grumpy. I am more functional and less stupid than on the first day, but not someone worthy of company. I have to be very careful on my weekly day without caffeine, not to accidentally follow it with a second if I'm anywhere around people.
On the third day I'm generally fine, with the added benefit of having drastically reduced my tolerance for the substance. The upside of this is that caffeine becomes a recreational drug at this point, which can be fun and extraordinarily productive.
I don't mean to criticize anyone else's caffeine consumption, this is merely the system that works for me. Ultimately it's not about treating dependency but treating my own anxieties regarding dependency. The steps may be unnecessary or ineffective but I don't really care; they're nothing more than a way to keep myself comfortable in my own skin.
Which is my ongoing and deeper struggle.
* as well as sodapop and tea.
