Who I am, who I can be

In Italy I'm closer to my ideal self because I leave myself no other option. It's one reason I come here.

My anxiety is beaten into submission by the sheer volume of things to fear. My tendency to invent contingency plans for worst-case scenarios is overwhelmed, and I reach a point of acceptance. And this keeps me flexible, adaptable. I have to pivot in the moment, trusting my own snap judgment. Deciding that getting in trouble in tolerant Padua gave me a karmic pass to play in strict Venice, for example. Believing in myself.

In Italy I'm assertive because the language itself demands it: diffidence is an accent that can make conversation difficult. I love the side of myself that this frees, the side that sells a CD to a passerby in Reggio Emilia even as I pack up under a cop's watchful gaze after being busted for selling CDs.

And, having taken the leap of faith to come at all, I'm forced to keep taking them. I had faith that the tour will break even, so if a weekend in Genoa gets rained out I must have faith that the shortfall will be made up. Beyond having no room for anxiety about choices made, I have to keep making such choices to push through to the end of the tour.

And the resulting Vince is someone I really respect.